Staring at a blank message box? The first message determines whether you get a reply. Here's what actually works.
The Problem With "Hey"
"Hey," "Hi," "Hello"—these generic openers put all the conversational burden on the other person. They require effort to respond and rarely lead to meaningful dialogue. If you want a reply, you need to make it easy and interesting for them to answer.
Reference Their Profile
The most effective first messages reference something specific from the person's profile. This shows you've actually looked at them as a person, not just a photo. Examples:
- "I see you love hiking—have you done the Johnston Canyon trail yet? Planning to go this summer."
- "Your photo at the Calgary Stampede—which event is your favorite? I'm a chuckwagon racing fan myself."
- "You mentioned you're into craft beer—have you tried Tool Shed Brewing? Their taproom is great."
This approach immediately establishes common ground or asks a question they can easily answer.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no" kill conversation. Instead, ask things that invite elaboration:
- "What's the best meal you've had in Calgary recently?"
- "What made you decide to move to Calgary?"
- "If you could spend a perfect weekend in the city, what would it look like?"
These questions require thought and reveal personality, giving you more to work with in your reply.
Be Playful, Not Cheesy
Humor can work if it's gentle and self-aware. Avoid pickup lines or forced jokes. A light, playful approach:
- "Okay, I'll be honest—I messaged you because your taste in music is better than mine and I need recommendations."
- "I'm conducting important research: what's your go-to coffee order? This is crucial."
Playfulness reduces pressure and makes the interaction feel casual and fun.
What NOT to Say
Avoid these common first-message mistakes:
- Comments on appearance alone: "You're beautiful/handsome" puts someone on the spot and feels superficial.
- Sexual or suggestive remarks: Completely inappropriate for a first message.
- Generic compliments: "I like your profile" says nothing and requires effort to respond to.
- Interrogation: "How old are you? What do you do? Where do you live?" feels like an interview.
Timing Matters
Send messages when people are likely to be online and responsive. Evenings (6-10 PM) and weekends typically see higher engagement. If someone hasn't replied after 3-4 days, it's okay to send one gentle follow-up, but don't persist beyond that.
When You Get a Reply
Congrats! Now keep the momentum. Respond within a reasonable timeframe—not immediately (looks desperate) but within 12-24 hours. Match their energy and message length. If they write paragraphs, don't reply with one word.
When to Move to Video Chat
After 10-20 messages back and forth, suggest a video chat. This shows you're serious about connecting and ready to take the next step. "I've really enjoyed chatting—would you be open to a video call sometime?" If they're hesitant, respect their pace.
What If They Don't Reply?
Not getting a response isn't personal. People are busy, may have stopped using the app, or simply aren't feeling a connection. Don't take it personally. Keep your profile updated and keep trying. The right match will respond.